Three Little Words...

I bet you are thinking those “three little words” = I love you. After all - it is February.

In today’s world, we are back to zooming through everything - meetings (literally), tasks, work, life. We are even trying to figure out quick fixes for dealing with anxiety, trauma and other mental health issues.

And while some things are improving, we still are craving shared experiences and connection in many ways. So the three words I am thinking of have a lot do with a shared experience and connecting one on one.

These words are pretty powerful. They can help with delivering on great customer service, company performance, building new relationships or repairing old ones. They can help leaders have tough conversations and coach and develop others. In fact - they are great for personal relationships too.

Before I tell you those three words, let me tell you what keeps us from using them.

We make assumptions

As human beings, we make assumptions all the time. In her podcast, Dr. Nicole Lepera says that our brains create stories to make sense of what we experience in the world.

This is our brains way of keeping us safe. If we don’t understand something, we fill in the gap with what we THINK people mean. 

Have you found yourself telling a story about “why” people did or said something? Or even “why” you think the will react a certain way? These are assumptions and they get in the way of finding out what is really going on.

We are too quick to give a solution

When someone has a problem, we want to help. That is a very natural reaction. But always jumping in and solving the issue, giving advice or telling someone “the best way to do something” helps less often than you think.

Why? Because we often solve the first thing mentioned - not the real problem. As a result we spend time, energy and money working on things that aren’t critical because we haven’t tried to find out what is really at issue. (This applies to work you or your team is doing and even in life.)

We think our advice is solid

It’s true - sometimes we do know more or have had deep experience in something. We also have a tendency to believe our ideas are excellent. It’s partly due to our brain looking for patterns and making connections that tell us we are good. And another part of being taught to go with the first idea and not spending the time to imagine others.

While we think we are helping by giving advice, it doesn't invite innovation, collaboration, connection or shared exploration. Joe Folkman found that leaders who default to giving advice “resist feedback from others, are less likable and are ineffective in developing others.” YIKES!

The three words

So what can we do? We have to develop our “intellectual curiosity.” In his book, The Advice Trap, Michael Bungay Stanier talks about research from Liz Wiseman. She found “that ‘intellectual curiosity’ - asking questions, being more coach-like - was the characteristic that most distinguished leaders who best created impact…”

Now there are many things you can do to work your “curiosity” muscle. But here is a simple one to start with. When someone shares something with you, before making assumptions, jumping to a solution or giving advice - be curious and say:

TELL ME MORE*

These three words create connection by saying I am listening and I am interested in hearing more from you. The phrase also helps you get to a shared understanding faster. And they invite exploration and collaboration on new ideas or ways of thinking.

This can be pretty powerful in both working relationships and at home. This story of how it helped a Mom and her son come to a shared understanding is what triggered this article.

Here at The BWC, we have always said we are “Smarter Together” and that is because we do believe that. By being curious, listening to others and collaborating with our diverse experiences - we can help create new ways of thinking - for each other and our community.

Stay curious my friends.

*Another variation? In the Coaching Habit - Michael Bungay Stanier (again) says the best coaching question in the world is “And what else?”.